


Tell me, what is love ?

by goldenflower14



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:35:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28721469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenflower14/pseuds/goldenflower14
Summary: Dear Soo,Yesterday I lay awake at night, face buried in your cushion and my whole body ached from missing you.I dream of your smile and your hands in mine.I can't wait until we will see each other again and all of this waiting will be worth it.I  can't wait until I can see you again although your face is ingraved in my mind.I  will go and visit your parents soon.I miss you. I love you.Forever yoursNini♡
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting this fanfiction on Kaisoo day ♡ Actually I started writing when Kyungsoo enlisted and I'm still not finished but I think i'm ready to share the first half. Thank you for reading!

He lay awake at night, his state bound between awake and asleep. He was too aware of everything to sleep. Too aware of Jongins’ breath, streaming steady and warm against his neck. Too aware of Jongins’ weight on his upper body, rising and sinking with each breath. Too aware of Jongins’ hypnotic smell, that made him feel hazy.

He remembered the time when he wasn’t in love. He remembered how nonchalant he seemed about such stuff. His work was always all consuming. But now he had a lot more fun while practising and performing on stage. But he wouldn’t tell his members anyway. He had to keep an image and he hoped this way they wouldn’t feel as bad about him leaving. 

His thoughts were wandering to the first time he saw Jongin. He had been clothed completely in white, the incarnation of an angel from the skies. It all seemed to him like a dream back then. Feeling his mind and heart shattering completely in a timespan of a few seconds. He couldn't take his eyes off of Jongin on that day, watching him speak to other members in the big conference room they were in. He couldn't stop himself from following him with his eyes, practically glaring at him from ten meters away. 

A few days later when they met again to go eat with the others, Kyungsoo talked to Kai as they were seated next to each other and they realised that Jongin had completely misunderstood his actions.  
‘I thought you didn’t like me’, Jongin said. ‘I’m really sorry. I couldn’t think about anything else that night. And I-’  
‘You were thinking about me at night?’, Kyungsoo interrupted him, his heart dancing in his chest.

Jongin’s face blew up at that moment. He was as red as a tomato. And Kyungsoo had realised it the moment he saw Jongin again that night, when his knees were weak and his heart was beating in a very funny way, that he was falling in love. It was different then his first love.  
The feeling didn’t creep up. He felt like a truck hit him. When he heard Jongin laugh after Baekhyun said something Kyungsoo couldn’t hear, he was sure that he was falling fast and deep, his heart aching in a most welcome way.  
Nonetheless there was a part of him that tried to fight against his feelings. He tried not to think about Jongin, apart from work that was. But it didn’t work, couldn't work even. Being an idol meant even practicing when your feet were sore and beaten, even when your eyes felt like sleep and you were losing your voice. 

The worst part was that he couldn’t sit next to Jongin without being too aware of their skin touching. He couldn’t talk to him without sweating and stuttering like crazy to a point where he felt like a fool.

But at one point their relationship changed. It became normal being around each other all the time and Kyungsoo started to feel like himself again. Although his heart was still beating faster sometimes when he saw Jongin doing something really cute, he could talk to him normally after a while.  
But of course that didn’t last forever…

One night when the others were still asleep, Jongin went into Kyungsoos’ room to wake him up. Gentle his fingers brushed against Kyungsoo's cheek, who tried desperately to look like he had just been engulfed in a heavy slumber. They locked eyes for a second before Jongin smiled briefly and slipped out of the room.

A few hours earlier they had practiced with the others but Kyungsoo wasn’t sure about some of the steps in Tempo and because Jongin always woke up first between their dancers to practice and dance, Junmyeon asked him to teach Kyungsoo. They only had a few days left until they had to perform again and they all were very excited. 

Still tired from his short nap Kyungsoo washed up and was heading to the practice room as he realised that this would be one of the rare opportunities to be alone with Jongin. Most of the time they were together with other members because all nine of them had to be equally good in all their actions. At least in their own individual way. But now they would be completely alone. And because it was nighttime they couldn’t use loud music to overplay their shyness around each other.  
He had realised the weird heavy air whenever their eyes met for more than a second, but he didn't understand what that meant, even after all those years had passed.

His heart was pounding like a roaring machine and he had to press a hand over the pulsating muscle, caressing his soft shirt to stop himself from nearly dying. That had not happened to him in a while. Usually he was able to stay calm around Jongin. 

‘Morning’, Kyungsoo mumbled when he entered the room and he was bending down to take off his shoes, but Jongin interrupted him.

‘Please leave them on. We have to go through everything very quickly, because we don't have much time.’

‘But isn't it better to stretch rather than warm up-’, Kyungsoo just answered and exhaled sharply, while turning to Jongin. 

He already felt warm enough when he saw that the younger one only wore a tank top, body already glistening with sweat from his earlier practice. Kyungsoo was completely fixed on his collarbones and could only look away after a short while.

'You can do it if you want but you were still practicing a few hours ago. I don't think it's necessary.'

‘No, I'll trust you. Either way I don't feel like doing it’, Kyungsoo said nonchalantly, ignoring the longing that was creeping up inside of him.  
Jongin looked really tired and confused in that moment but he still managed a simple ‘yes’ while scratching his eyebrow.  
So they just ran a few rounds before Jongin put the music on a very low volume and they started to dance. 

Jongin was counting their steps and he was dancing half a second faster than Kyungsoo. But although Kyungsoo had followed Jongin with his eyes and was sure he had seen the steps, he couldn’t concentrate very well, so his hand movements didn’t match all the time. 

The lack of sleep made it hard for him to focus, his eyes hurt and his vision was blurring most of the time.  
It was nearly 5 o’clock when Jongin seemed really frustrated or even angry, Kyungsoo couldn’t say. He stopped the music, the song was playing in his mind anyway, over and over and over again.

‘I’m going to … help you. Stand in front of me’, he declared and took Kyungsoo's hands into his, while pressing his chest to Kyungsoo's back. Of course Kyungsoo was already sweating but when Jongin folded his fingers between his, he became a complete mess, nearly trembling from the intensity of his closeness.  
And the worst part was, Jongin seemed to be completely oblivious to that. 

‘When you come to the part where Chanyeol and Sehun are rapping the song is a bit faster. Maybe you should cut a bit of the motions. You will stand next to me, so let my body guide your movements’, Jongin explained and threw their arms up and to the sides.

‘That wasn’t hard, was it?`` he asked Kyungsoo and turned his head to look at him directly and not through the mirror. And Soo had to hold his breath because their noses touched for a split second and he wasn’t prepared to see that sweet smile on Jongins lips. And Oh God, why are his eyes so golden?

‘Are you tired Hyung?’, Jongin asked, his voice sounded kind of breathless but his face didn't move.  
Kyungsoo couldn’t answer, his breath going fast and irregular. ‘Oh god please help me’, he thought and he couldn’t stop his eyes from closing, a single drop of sweat rolling over his face. 

He wanted to kiss Jongin so badly, he couldn’t contain himself anymore, their breaths mingling into a hot fog and their hands relaxing into each other. 

Ages seemed to pass until he felt Jongins fingers releasing his and starting to caress his cheek, careful, lovingly and warm. A little desperate sound escaped Kyungsoo’s lips. He was relieved, all the tension falling off of his shoulders and his heart softened impossibly more. 

And he heard himself say:’Kiss me. Please’ like a moan escaping his lips, before Jongin pressed his soft, warm mouth onto his, a split second after. 

The moment seemed so surreal that his eyes snapped open. 

He couldn’t believe that they were actually kissing. Finally he could taste all that sweetness that was Kim Jongin.  
A thousand times he had imagined this moment, watching those pretty lips sing words of deep longing and love, a mirror to Kyungsoo's thoughts.  
And he had repressed all those emotions just as fast as they had appeared. But now that it was really happening, he finally could let loose. 

It was like falling from a high building and landing on his feet. It was like drowning in a breathable fluid and bleeding rose water. 

His nerves stood on end, as he kissed Jongin back, careful and long. His hand slipped into Jongin’s hair and he opened his lips to massage and suck on Jongin's tongue. Both moaned into the others' mouth when they turned their bodys to face each other. 

Kyungsoo's hand let go of the golden hair and slipped onto Jongin's back to embrace him. Jongin did the same and pulled Kyungsoo even closer, a familiar ache spreading in his upper abdomen.

After what seemed to be a sweet eternity their lips parted. Breathless and exhausted they stood there, mouths only inches apart and holding each other like lifeboats.

‘That was…’, Jongin began, but he forgot what he wanted to say when Kyungsoo brushed his nose against his. It was such a sweet gesture that a big smile spread over his lips. 

'I..I really really like you Jongin', Kyungsoo whispered, his deep voice hitched for a moment.  
He still had his eyes closed, forehead pressed to Jongin's. He couldn't look into his friends' eyes right now, saying those words finally already had drained all his confidence. 

Jongin smiled brightly and replied: "I didn't know how to tell you, but I like you too, Kyungsoo. Very very much. Sometimes … my heart feels like it's going to explode when I see you." 

He pressed his lips against Kyungsoos' again in a sweet quick peck, warmth spreading inside their chests and they couldn't let go of each other just then. 

After a while they got back to dancing again and this time it was much better, Kyungsoo had no problems focussing and Jongin willingly showered him with kisses every time he could go through the steps without making mistakes. 

In the morning when all the other members came into the studio it was as if nothing had changed between them. It had been a silent agreement the first second Junmyeon came in with a sleepy "Morning" on his lips, that they wouldn't tell anyone what had happened between them last night. They were both not sure what their relationship had evolved to, so there wasn't even a way to talk about it.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey Soo", Chanyeol was towering above him, sweat drenching his hair and he flicked his itching nose. 

Kyungsoo looked up from his mobile. He was taking a break before his vocal lesson and had been zoning out for quite some time. 

"Hey Chanyeol. What's up?", he asked and locked his phone. He knew from the tone in Chanyeols' voice that he wanted to talk to him about something serious.

"i just finished. I have no strength anymore. Can I sit down next to you for a bit? There is a favour I have to ask you."  
He did not wait for Kyungsoo's answer and just let his body quickly fall next to him exhausted. 

"What favor?", Kyungsoo simply asked.

"I have really bad back pain from all the dancing and I know you love your bed. But would you mind switching places for a while? It's much more comfortable than sleeping on the floor in that small room and in a few days I will feel better. Only one or two nights. I promise."

Kyungsoo's thoughts were doing a crash landing. He tried to control his face but suddenly a deep blush spread over his cheeks. 

"Sleeping in the small room?", his voice cracked. God dammit…

Chanyeol followed the coreografie with his eyes that Jongdae, Sehun and Minseok were still practicing, but Kyungsoo didn't dare to look up and felt like he was watched not only by two eyes but by ten. 

After a silent second Chanyeol replied to him: "Yes! It's not as bad as you might be thinking. It's only me and Jongin in there. That's really not as bad as sleeping in a room with three other people." 

"Yes…", Kyungsoo only said. He couldn't look up from his hands and he couldn't say anything else. 

"Thanks, Soo. I owe you. But…", Chanyeol now turned his head to look at his bandmate. 

"Now I need help with something else…"

Finally Kyungsoo dared to raise his head. 

"I really can't stand up anymore from this floor. That was a big mistake", Chanyeol explained with a smile on his face. 

He seemed shy to ask Kyungsoo to help him get up from the floor but Kyungsoo just smiled back and stood up to pull Chanyeol's long body up.  
Slowly and very cautiously he helped his friend, although he seemed too short to do so, being nearly one head shorter than Chanyeol.  
They managed this quite well without causing too much pain to Chanyeol. 

After that conversation Kyungsoo’s day was far from finished. He had a hard time focussing on his tasks and it wasn’t helpful that he lost his voice either. 

At 6PM they all had a meeting with their staff to go through their performance schedule and after that they were back in the training room. 

“We still have to go through the choreografies for Love shot and Tempo again”, Junmyeon was explaining. 

“We should start with Tempo, because it will be our first song to perform and then we will work on Love Shot.” 

He looked tired himself, but Junmyeon was always smiling anyway and Kyungsoo appreciated that, because it made him feel confident in himself.  
But of course he would never say that out loud, always keeping his deepest feelings to himself and building a wall between himself and others. 

He didn’t have the time to feel sad or bad, he didn’t have time to crumble. This was the most important time of the year for them. They had to promote their album well. It was a hard time for all of them but Kyungsoo firmly believed that when someone put a lot of work and tears and sweat into something, the outcome had to be good. 

"Kyungsoo can you show me that last part again? The choreographer is already gone. I need to think about what we can practice tomorrow morning because we only have two days left", Jongin told him, when practice was over. 

He was heavy breathing and sweat drenched and he looked like a god with his upper body exposed and his pants sitting low on his hips.

Kyungsoo had to gulp hard before he could even react. Shit.

"I want to see it too", Junmyeon came to their side to watch and made Kyungsoo even more nervous. 

If he performed flawlessly, there would be no need for Jongin to teach him anymore and that was not acceptable to him.  
They had just started something and Kyungsoo desperately needed to have some alone time with him.

But performing poorly was not a good choice either. He didn't want to worry Junmyeon, not two days before their performance.  
He decided on doing his best. Maybe he was not as good as he thought.

"Start from that part where Sehun is at the front", Jongin instructed. 

Kyungsoo nodded and took a deep breath to release the tension in his body, then started to dance. 

Usually he didn't have to focus that much on dancing. Once he could do the performance, it came naturally to him, like eating or sleeping. 

But in the past few weeks he was too stressed to focus anymore. 

When the music stopped he was breathless and exhausted but overall happy with his performance.  
Jongin clapped and Junmyeon was smiling while looking relieved, which in reverse calmed Kyungsoo down a bit. 

"That was good", Junmyeon walked a few steps towards him and patted him on the back. "I don't think you need anymore instruction from Jongin."

Kyungsoo tried to look relieved and happy while his insides were screaming. He didn't dare look up at Jongin because he feared his face might turn into the color of a tomato. 

Junmyeon wouldn't have noticed anyway. He was too busy writing his notes into his small black book that he always carried around. Again Kyungsoo was worried about him. Did Junmyeon even sleep in his limited free time? It was 1AM when they all left the practice room, which was rather an early time for them to go to sleep.

For a split second, while he was overjoyed with his dancing triumph, Kyungsoo had forgotten about the sleeping issue that he had talked about with Chanyeol in the afternoon. But the moment he and Jongin entered the dorm together, the realization came crashing back down into his mind and he started to tremble, though he tried to act normal when he went to his room to get some clothes.

He smiled at Chanyeol when the latter entered the room. "How are you feeling?", he asked his bandmate before turning to his closet to search for some long pants and a shirt, pushing his boxers between them to hide.  
"I'm dead from practice but you must be tired too. Are you sure you want to do this?", Chanyeol asked. He was standing awkwardly at the door.  
Kyungsoo didn't even think about it. He couldn't stand back pain, to him it was his worst nightmare. And of course he wanted to sleep next to Jongin. 

He tried to sound nonchalant when he answered: 

"It's no big deal. Of course you can sleep here." 

"Thank you", Chanyeol then dared to unglue himself from the door to make room for Kyungsoo to walk out. 

The room was tiny and even the furniture didn't seem to have enough place to stand in it. When he closed the door behind him, he had to take a deep breath to calm himself down, but that didn't really help. Still his hands and legs and even his heart were shaking. He had a feeling that this night would take a long time to be over when he entered their bathroom.


	3. Chapter 3

Fifteen minutes later he had showered and brushed his teeth twice, he had put on deodorant and he even had thought about stealing some of Sehun's perfume, but he decided against that since he didn't really like perfumes.

He used his phones' light to walk to the living room and once he entered the room he quietly closed the door behind him. As there was no light he thought that Jongin was already asleep.

Slowly he walked to the mattress that was in the left corner of the room. 

He slipped under the blanket and hoped that his body would relax when he layed down properly. But that didn't seem to be the case. Even he himself could hear his teeth rattle.

"Soo?", Jongin said quietly from the other side of the room. His voice was sleep drunken and Kyungsoo hoped he would fall asleep soon again.

"Hm?" Kyungsoo just made. A part of him hoped that Jongin had been just dreaming of him and was not awake. They already had so little time to sleep. He didn't want to disturb Jongin even more.

"Are you alright?", his friend asked and he heard the rustling of Jongin's blanket. 

"Y-yes I-I'm f-fine-n", Kyungsoo answered and was shaking even harder now. 

He felt something hitting his mattress lightly behind him.

"You don't seem fine", Jongin replied and suddenly he was right next to Kyungsoo and was rubbing lightly over his shoulder. 

Kyungsoo flinched under his touch and turned around to face Jongin.

"Why are you awake?", Kyungsoo whispered and suddenly there was a little night lamp glowing on the wall behind their beds, his breathing had been too loud to hear how Jongin put the light on. 

He rather had asked why Jongin had moved his mattress beside his own, but under Jongin's stare he was unable to talk anymore. 

He was melting.

"I was waiting for you. Are you cold, Soo?" Jongin's hand slipped under his chin and Kyungsoo was holding his gaze bravely, while his heart went crazy in his chest. 

"No, I'm not cold. Just...nervous", Kyungsoo replied truly and Jongin realized how fast his heart was beating when he slid his hand from Kyungsoos' cheek to the crook of his neck.

"Me too", Jongin confessed with a warm smile on his face. "I'm nervous too." 

The purity in Jongin's character overwhelmed Kyungsoo. He loved that side of him, there was no wrong approach to his friend's soul. It was like he was saying: "This is truly me", with every word that came out of those perfect lips.

Jongin's gaze softened impossibly more and he shifted his weight forward, brushing their noses against each other, and he whispered: 

"Better now?" 

His breath was fanning over Kyungsoos' lips and the latter felt like having a heart attack and dying a miserable death. 

"Soo?", Jongin said and Kyungsoo had not realized that he had closed his eyes and opened them again slowly. His eyelashes were fluttering prettily in the dim light.  
"Yes"", Kyungsoo answered breathlessly and for a second he stopped shaking, even his breathing had stopped.

So near, so near, so near….

"Can I sleep next to you tonight?", Jongin asked and his upper lip touched Kyungsoo's lower lip for a slight moment. 

"Oi, don't kill me like that", Soo answered and his eyes closed again, cheeks tinted in a deep red.

"Then what about a real kiss. Would that help?", Jongin suggested. 

And Kyungsoo opened his eyes in wonder but after a heartbeat both moved a bit forward so their lips could touch again. 

Their first kiss had been unsure and cautious at the beginning. But now there was a need to please the other one, to convey all those feelings that they both had repressed all these months.

Kyungsoo's shaking had stopped, so he lifted a hand and threaded his fingers through Jongin's hair. It was still a bit wet from his late shower and the feeling made Kyungsoo shiver but in a good way. Hungrily he opened his lips and felt Jongin's tongue invade his mouth almost instantly. He heard Jongin moaning quietly and his heart clenched in his chest. 

Kyungsoo felt Jongin's shirt under his other hand and pulled his love closer, while his tongue brushed against Jongin's, which made his insides twist. Now he was the one who moaned, pathetically mewling and a tear left his right eye.  
He had never felt this good in all his lifetime. He was relieved to have Jongin in his arms again after such a long day. 

And when they fell back onto the mattress and their chests were pressed against each other, he couldn't stop his smile before he kissed Jongin again and again and again until their heads were spinning from the lack of oxygen.

"I could kiss you until tomorrow", Kyungsoo whispered against Jongin's lips and made the latter smile cutely.

"I could eat you up", Jongin replied and pressed a wet, open mouthed kiss on Kyungsoo's cheek. "You are so cute." 

Kyungsoo's chest clenched again. His heart was hurting. "Don't leave me tonight. I have to hold you properly", he heard himself say and his arms curled around Jongin tighter.

For a moment they were both silent, Jongin didn't move in his embrace, face buried in the crook of Kyungsoo's neck. Kyungsoo thought he might have fallen asleep properly like that. But then he felt Jongin's tongue licking over the soft skin of his neck and he started to tremble again, induced by the awakening of another kind of nerves. He felt the atmosphere between them shift and a blush spread over his face.

His breathing grew heavier when Jongin reached his right ear with a trail of heavy kisses and he shuddered when soft lips embraced his earlobe. Kyungsoo desperately wanted to do something, his hands were craving to touch Jongin's skin, but he couldn't even move an inch, because he was pressed down flat on the mattress, mewling and moaning quietly.

Jongin lightly scraped his earlobe with his teeth and Kyungsoo felt his dick twitch under Jongin's stomach. He moaned a bit too loud and cursed in his mind. Although Jongin had been the one who started this, Kyungsoo didn't want to rush it.  
"Jongin", he whispered and his lover started to unglue himself from him. He was stradling Kyungsoo now and had a surprised look on his face. 

"Did I hurt you? Does this feel bad?", he asked and slightly dipped his head to the right, his expression soft and filled with concern.

Kyungsoo felt like losing his mind again. How could Jongin be so cute after he had done something like that? A wave of heat sizzled through his body, reaching even to his toes.

"No, but…", Kyungsoo stopped talking when Jongin looked down, staring at his own crotch. What had peaked his interest was under his pelvis. Kyungsoo hadn't even realized that he was fully hard now. He cursed again in his head and looked up to see Jongin smirking down at him. 

"So it did feel good?", his lover asked and let his hand caress over Kyungsoo's stomach.  
The latter had stopped moving again, his breath hitching in his throat. 

Until Jongin stilled his hand over his navel and shifted his weight forward to rub their cocks against each other. 

"Ahh, shii-", Kyungsoo moaned and exhaled loudly, he covered his face with his hands but his body curved up against Jongin's seeking more of the mind blowing ecstasy pulsating through his body. 

Jongin was breathless himself, his dick shaping a proud tent in his tight pants now. He had been hard instantly and felt a bit dizzy, but he couldn't stop his hips from stuttering again and again against Kyungsoo.  
"Feels good, ahhh", he moaned and his voice was a bit deeper than usual.  
He looked absolutely wrecked with want, hips rocking rhythmically faster and faster chasing the ecstatic rise of nerves in his stomach.  
"Yes, oh yes. Faster Jongin, faster", Kyungsoo nearly screamed. 

Jongin moved a bit more forward to grind against Kyungsoo even harder.  
They both moaned in unison and Kyungsoo searched for Jongin's hand to intertwine their fingers.  
Jongin pushed himself down again and moaned loudly, his gaze was lost. He couldn't focus anymore, the pleasure sizzling through his body like ocean waves. "Hnnngh, feels so … so good ahh..", he whined, bouncing deliriously against Kyungsoo's hard cock.

Slowly he felt weak, and his free hand slipped on the mattress when he tried to actually steady himself.  
Luckily Kyungsoo had opened his eyes in that moment and grabbed Jongin right under his armpit to hold him up.

"Sorry Hyung", Jongin moaned weakly, gaze flooded with tears.

Kyungsoo was tired himself but he was also extremely turned on, his body burning up. He untied their united hands and flipped them over onto Jongin's mattress. 

Jongin moaned beneath him when their bodys met again, feeling his precum seeping through his boxer briefs and Kyungsoo was so in awe he dipped down to kiss his lover. Cherishing the incredible soft feeling of Jongins lips, still a bit in disbelief that they were really kissing, his body lowered itself nearly automatically onto his lovers. Jongin embraced him eagerly with both legs wrapped around Kyungsoo's hips. Although Kyungsoo's movements were a bit slower than Jongin's, he was pressing down on all the right places and nearly drove Jongin insane. 

Just when he let his tongue slip between Jongin's lips he decided to grind their cocks together hard.

Jongin cried out and his nails dipped into Kyungsoo's ass, pushing him a bit closer. "Oh Soo. Ah...I'm going to", he moaned but it was already too late. Jongin embraced Kyungsoo with both arms and legs and came really hard while curving his hips against his lovers' to press them further together and moaning loudly:  
"Ahhhhhh…shit."

Kyungsoo couldn't stop his moaning. It was all too much, with Jongin pressing himself up against him and the sweet noises he made, Kyungsoo came instantly, letting his cum seep through his tight pants, while gasping loudly. 

"Hyung, how…?", Jongin whispered. He was taking deep breaths now. "I could feel this from head to toe." 

Kyungsoo didn't know what to answer. He had done what he imagined pleasurable but he hadn't expected to feel all these emotions at once. Still shaking he sat up again after he had calmed down from his orgasm a bit.

Jongin looked so delicate beneath him. Lips and cheeks tinted red, his highlighted hair shimmering in the dim light. His skin was glowing from the sweat bedding on it and his rippling muscles were heaving from exertion. 

Kyungsoo looked at him in wonder, keeping this moment safe in his mind.

What he didn't know was that Jongin was equally smitten by his lover, whose hair was still damp and falling onto his forehead. His lips were beautifully swollen and parted slightly and his cheeks were tinted in a soft pink. His gaze was like molten honey, his nose wrinkling slightly. He looked like an angel with the light caressing his soft features. 

From outside they seemed to stand still, motionless like a statue but their blood was rushing loudly through their ears and their breaths were still heavy. Kyungsoo was the first one who moved. He had noticed a drop of sweat on Jongin's right temple and wiped it away with his thumb.

Then he got off of Jongin and went to close the door with the key that was already in the key hole. He was too aware of his damp clothes to sleep in his state and he decided that sleeping naked was his best option. since Jongin's closet was in Junmyeon's room too.  
He removed his pants and underwear in one go, feeling his cheeks turn red again.  
They had showered together already and they also had changed in front of each other and of course they just had made love to each other, it shouldn't have made Kyungsoo feel ashamed to undress. The difference now was Jongin's sharp gaze following his every move. He didn't seem tired at all anymore, his lower lip slipping between his teeth.

"Like what you see?",Kyungsoo asked, raising an eyebrow. 

He left his clothes on the floor and kneeled down on the mattress, between Jongin's legs. Slowly he brought his hands to the hem of his lover's pants, while his gaze went to silently ask for permission to undress Jongin. 

The younger one nodded, his pupils dilating slightly and cheeks reddening again. Kyungsoo removed the underwear with the pants in one pull and he tried not to keen at the sight of Jongin's sticky cum on his caramel skin. Jongin had curved his hips to help Kyungsoo and he couldn't supress the moan leaving his lips as the elastic of his boxers dragged over his cock.  
Kyungsoo removed his own shirt, and, while licking his lips unconsciously, he cleaned his lover up with the warm material and after that he wiped down on himself a bit. 

That action seemed so intimate of mixing their cum on the same cloth that it made them blush again and Jongin had to look away because want was pooling again at the pit of his stomach and he felt so overwhelmed by his feelings.

When they were both naked Kyungsoo layed down again and pulled Jongin into his embrace, faces aligned on the same pillow and bodys pressed together, watching each other through lidded eyes, smiling in their dazed state.  
Jongin really tried to contain himself but Kyungsoo was all warmth and softness and love, so he pressed his kiss onto him again.  
With closed eyes they kissed, lazy tantalizing tongues moving against each other and Kyungsoo drew galaxys of stars on his lower back until they both drifted into a heavy slumber. Slowly the stress left their bodys, nearly twenty-four hours of work forgotten, induced by the warmth of another body, two hearts beating strong and loud against each other.


	4. Chapter 4

The following days were filled with excuses and secret kisses under the stairs and late night encounters in Jongin's room.  
They tried to hide their feelings so the others wouldn't feel alarmed by their relationship. They knew that they would understand and support them. But being gay was also a risk in the kpop industry as it was a prohibited matter in Korea and normally not talked about without being integrated into jokes. Revealing their love would mean the end of their careers. And by splitting with the company and the band, Exo could be disbanded forcefully.

So they didn’t want anyone to know about their relationship, especially not Junmyeon who would be partially responsible if news slipped out to the press. And they didn’t want to trouble him. He was a gentle soul and couldn’t be burdened with such things. There was already too much weight on their leaders’ shoulders. And he himself couldn’t tell anyone about the obvious crush he had on Sehun, so telling him would only be a further wound to his soul. 

They could give hints as much as they wanted and the others could guess as much as they wanted, but they swore that they would never tell anyone explicitly about their relationship. At least not for the time being. 

So when Kyungsoo caressed Jongin's foot with his under the table while asking for milk for his coffee, Jongin had to press his lips together so he wouldn't smile like a lovesick puppy. Although he had felt his heart jump in his chest. They only engaged in a long lingering look which had to be enough to convey their feelings.

And when they practiced their new choreographie they had to hold themselves back from touching too much like they did when they danced alone at night. Then they had to lock the door because the darkness outside and the dim lights in the studio created an atmosphere which made it impossible for them to keep their feelings inside.  
With each motion they created a language of trust and support and unison. They were like two magnets, never parting more than a few inches and that attraction led to an incredible feeling of longing and passion which resulted in kisses and lingering touches. 

The weirdest thing to them was how they could talk for hours when they were not in that studio, but the moment they stepped a foot into that room, they only talked when necessary. It was as if they had made a silent promise that that room could only be filled with love conveyed by motion. But their silence only lasted until they couldn't stand it anymore and had to go to Jongin's room. There they felt safe. It was their hiding place and sanctuary. 

On that night before Kyungsoo had to leave to join the army he also thought of this moment:  
"Kiss me again before you go. I will feel so lonely", Jongin had said and had held Kyungsoo back from putting on his clothes by grabbing his hand.  
"I can't be late today. Suho will kill me. It's my last recording and I don't want him to come looking for me while our body's are tangled together”, Kyungsoo replied and gently tucked his arm away to slip into his trousers.  
"I don’t care. Let him see how much I love you", Jongin said suddenly, his gaze fixed on the blankets while he was blushing madly.  
Kyungsoo stopped in his motions and asked: "What did you just say?”  
"I-", Jongin whispered "I said, let him see how much I love you." He made a pouty face when he looked at Kyungsoo, which made the latter nearly burst with affection. 

Kyungsoo knelt down and lightly brushed over Jongin's blush. "I love you", he replied, his head dipping slightly to the side and a smile was tugging at his mouth corners.  
"I love you so much my darling" Kyungsoo kissed Jongin's little nose, which made the latter giggle. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before. I was anxious that you couldn't return my feelings. And -", Jongin was interrupted by Kyungsoo's lips pressing against his own. It was a long but chaste kiss that made it possible for them to hide the tears in their eyes.

"How could I not love you. You are all my happiness", Kyungsoo whispered and gave Jongin a quick peck. He feared he couldn't leave now if he kissed his lover again. 

"I'll see you later, Jagi'' he said as a goodbye and slipped through the door. 

Jongin leaned back on the mattress for a while after Kyungsoo left. He couldn't believe his luck. Yes, he was worn out and incredibly tired. He couldn't remember the last night he had slept well. 

But he was also thankful and happy and he felt like crying and laughing at the same time. He was in love and the person he loved, loved him right back. 

"I wish it could be always like this", he thought and rolled to the side where Kyungsoo always slept. 

He buried his nose into the pillow and took in Kyungsoo's vanilla scent. His thoughts fogged and his eyes were suddenly very heavy. He craved a nap but he knew if he allowed himself that, he would be late for practice and he wasn't pleased with his pirouettes lately. He had to be consistent or else all their efforts were for nothing. 

When one of them appeared weak it reflected on the others. And he wanted to be famous and to be able to dance and sing for others. This was his biggest dream. Since childhood he had wished to be a super star. And now here was his chance to succeed. And he loved his band mates. He didn't want to disappoint them. 

That was the only reason he wasn’t shouting at the top of his lungs that he loved Kyungsoo, although he felt like doing that. His heart was pounding like an uncontrolled engine. 

"So this is love?" he thought and rolled himself back on his back. 

His mum had told him how this would feel. She told him how she felt when she met his father. And Jongin had thought that he would be able to handle this feeling. But it was overwhelming him like a big wave that was pushing him ashore, away from danger and the world. He felt so good to a point that it made him anxious. 

He knew, having so much luck, would cause them sorrow afterwards. There had to be a balance between good and bad. But if it meant that he would have Kyungsoo on his side he knew he could handle anything. 

Still in trance he stood up and took a shower. The water seemed to wash away all those love feelings and sex feelings and any feelings of any kind. He was in a mood to create again.

Upright he walked to the studio, it was his part next and after some preparations in his sound range through vocal training he was able to finish his part in one go.

“Again so much luck”, he thought, anxious and a bit tired. 

It was like playing with fire to him. He couldn’t enjoy watching Kyungsoo sing, his feelings always on edge, always lurking and creeping up when he was happy. 

“How was the recording?”, Sehun asked when he came back from a meeting with the manager. He and Junmyeon had to check on their schedule for the next few days.

“It was good”, Jongin answered. 

He was laying on the couch in the dance studio. His eyes were fixed on his mobile phone while he was playing a round of old, plain tetris.

He needed something to occupy his mind to help him get over his fears.

Sehun sat down next to him and massaged his temples. Work was draining him, his back was aching and they still had to go through two choreographies today. 

“I hope we can wrap this up as soon as possible. When we finish Tempo I will be much more relaxed. It’s the hardest song to perform."

"But it's so much fun to dance the coreografie", Jongin replied with a smile on his face. 

"We should do it together Jongin-ah", Sehun relaxed into the couch and closed his eyes.

Jongin stopped his game and looked at his bandmates face. Sehun looked like he just came back from a long vacation. He was the youngest of them but next to him Jongin felt small and weak.

Dancing with Sehun gave him more confidence. 

"Yes, let's do that", Jongin replied, still in thoughts, but his heart felt at ease at last.

The next days were a lot different. There was no secret kissing anymore, not even at night, because there was no kissing at all. They barely talked to each other. Their days were filled with practice and workouts and meetings, dressings and an overwhelming excitement. 

Everyone was focused on themselves, improving day by day. There was a special pressure on Jongin's shoulders, because it was planned that he would have a solo part before they were performing all together. 

His dance lessons were doubled and he even dragged them out further. He didn’t feel right. It was all too much altogether. He had to prepare his own stage and he was leading their whole performance most of the time. He had to look fresh and at ease while being weighed down by a schedule who no one could handle, not even himself. 

Practicing alone gave him the passion that he needed to pour into his performance, practicing with the others was more comforting and fun. The presence of his members was always grounding to him. 

Especially when he was able to share his worries with Sehun and Yixing, who were also their main dancers.  
And glancing over to look at Kyungsoo and having a little heart attack everytime was providing him with enough energy to pull through the days. 

Nonetheless he tried to hide his feelings, always on guard.  
Please just let me look for a second, oh God, oh God those lips. He was always torn between his longing and professionalism at work. But of course there were lingering stares sometimes. Especially when Kyungsoo seemed a bit too whiny like he was two days before their first performance. 

"I will kill you", he was yelling at that moment when Jongin came back from his break. 

Chanyeol had spilled water over his shirt and he had slept only two hours and was hungry.  
Everything was awful and their day had not even begun. 

And Jongin couldn't not notice Kyungsoo's state. He didn't have to hear these words to know. He could tell by the way he was walking slightly more bent forward. He could tell by the way he was holding his notes not long enough. And he knew that he had not changed into new clothes that morning, only fidgeting with his old grey shirt as if it seemed to him important enough to keep on but at the same time he felt bad wearing it. 

Seemingly accidental, Jongin slipped between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, stopping their tag game.

“Don’t interfere Jongin. Today I have to kill him!”, Kyungsoo screamed with heavy rage in his voice and eyes and he tried to push past Jongin, while Chanyeol stepped a few steps back.

“Let me lend you my shirt, Hyung”, Jongin heard himself say quietly, nearly whispering.

It slipped out of his mouth without him noticing and he was glad it wasn’t something else, something that he wanted to tell Kyungsoo for a few days now.  
He hoped no one had heard him say it. His hands seemed to move on their own. His fingers slipped under Kyungsoos’ shirt and tracing with eight fingers over his skin, jongin undressed him in front of the others. They lost each other in the others’ eye and they couldn’t stop their heavy breathing. Kyungsoo tilted his face up and he inhaled, as if he wanted to say something. "Please, kiss me", Jongin heard in his head, Kyungsoo's voice had been filled with feverish want before their first kiss.

“Are you already finished with the choreography?”, Junmyeon asked as he entered the room. 

He startled Jongin, who let go of Kyungsoos’ shirt. He took off his own hoodie and gave it to Kyungsoo.  
Then he left without another word, his heart racing in his chest. He felt like he had been set on fire, all those repressed feelings flooding him all at once. He was so turned on he felt like he could come without even touching himself.


	5. Chapter 5

When Jongin entered his room he hastily opened his pants and pulled out his hard cock. 

“Unbelievable”, he muttered under his breath before moaning loudly as his long fingers embraced his hot length. 

He couldn’t stop himself, there was only one name, one face, one scent, ohh that scent, it killed him. He had to put one hand on the cold wall to steady himself, but he couldn’t contain his voice. 

“Ahhh, fuck, ngggh”, he moaned but couldn’t cum. 

He closed his eyes, never stopping his hand from moving, up and down, up and down. 

He imagined Kyungsoos’ fingers wrapping over his, guiding them and he closed his eyes to let that thought consume him. His thumb rubbing in circles over his frenulum like he did sometimes to drive Jongin crazy.

He felt someone licking over his neck and he nearly came that instant, exhaling loudly. 

“These days … ahhh, were hell. I missed you so much”, there were tears in Jongin's eyes now. 

“My head was spinning at night. Even when I was asleep I had to push a hand between my legs because I wanted you so much”, Kyungsoo whispered next to Jongins ear before he was biting into the soft skin beneath it.   
Jongin flinched and came, moaning loud and spilling his release on the wall. He fell back onto Kyungsoo, who, although a bit shorter than Jongin, held him upright in his strong arms. 

"Sorry, Soo. That was fast", he muttered and tried to steady himself.

"Turn around, I need to see your face", Kyungsoo demanded, his tone silky smooth like his touches. 

Jongin complied and instantly pulled Kyungsoo into a kiss. His heart ached when their lips touched. He had missed the other so much and now all his emotions were flooding his heart at once because he had to hold back so much in those passing days.

Hungrily Kyungsoo pulled Jongin closer by placing his hands on his ass cheeks. 

Jongin gave in a little, his bare cock brushing against Kyungsoo. For a second he forgot everything as Kyungsoo pushed his tongue between his lips. 

"Finally", Jongin thought, letting his hand slip into Kyungsoo's jogging pants. 

The latter felt like he was electrocuted and moaned quietly into Jongin's mouth, his grip tightening in Jongin's hair.

They both had their dance practice in mind, but they couldn't stop just then, not when it felt so good and they had missed each other so much. Parting would have felt like dying at that moment.

"Did you close the door when you came in?",Jongin asked while he was massaging Kyugsoos dick, the feeling of the velvety skin under his fingers let his dick twitch back into a full hard on.

"Ah, this feels so good!",Kyungsoo moaned. He had tears in his eyes, breath hot and fast against Jongin's collarbone. He felt like losing his mind. How did they end up in this position? He had no idea.  
His thoughts were tangling and he wanted to lick over Jongin`s honey skin.

Suddenly Jongin had an idea. He let his hand slip out from Kyungsoo's pants and helped him sit on his mattress. Then he went to the big shelf on the wall and opened a drawer. He took something out and came back to kneel between Kyungsoo's legs, who had been nearly dying from needing to come. Kyungsoo was leaning back on one arm and was breathing heavily. 

Jongin was waiting for Kyungsoo to look at him. He didn't expect him to push his pants and underwear down immediately when he saw the lube and condom in Jongin's hands, but Kyungsoo just wanted Jongin so much in that moment that he couldn't wait any longer for their relationship to evolve to whatever they had been waiting for. He threw his clothes to the floor and pulled Jongin on the mattress while kissing him hard with a heavy need and longing that seemed to glue their bodys together.

Frantically their hips were buckering against each other, dicks brushing lightly, and they were moaning loudly, not even thinking about the possibility that someone could hear them.

"Please", Kyungsoo was pleading when his dick ached as if it was on fire. He had been on edge for too long and feared he might come before Jongin entered him.

Jongin let go of him and fumbled with the condom until he was able to open it. His cheeks were red and sweat was bedding on his forehead. Kyungsoo followed the line of his abs down to the big throbbing cock and watched Jongin while he was putting on the condom with hungry eyes, want was pooling in his lower abdomen and he licked over his lips. 

When Jongin finished he looked up and for a moment he was stunned by the golden boy propped up on his under arms, watching him hungrily with spreaded legs. He felt like just giving into his need and do this fast and hard.

But he knew that Kyungsoo was not as experienced as he seemed and he himself had never done this, so he took the lube and spreaded some on his fingers. 

Leaning forward he caressed over Kyungsoo's leg leaving a wet line leading down to his entrance. "Ahhh nghh", Kyungsoo moaned, falling back into the mattress. He closed his eyes when he felt Jongin push in his long, wet middle finger and he was taking long, deep breaths.  
Jongin hissed quietly when it slid in easily and he moved it in and out slowly, circling it with each thrust a bit more. 

Kyungsoo had to press a hand over his mouth to contain a bit of the needy noises he was making. Oh was this better than his own hands. Not only were Jongin's fingers longer but he was also far more skilled than he himself was. When Jongin was satisfied with Kyungsoo's moans getting louder and the precum overflowing his dark, swollen cock, he pushed in his index finger as well, curving his fingers slightly and he felt his own cock twitch when he sank into the warmth.   
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Kyungsoo felt like dying while he also never had felt this alive in his life. 

"Ahh shit. Ahh, Jongin you… Oh no no no!", Kyungsoo screamed.

Jongin had found his sweet spot and was rubbing over it again and again and again until Kyungsoo was sobbing and loose and dripping with want.  
"Sto-Please stop!", Kyungsoo cried out and Jongin thought he had hurt him in some kind of way, so he pulled back instantly, even his own breath was short and fast.

"I want you Jongin, please I'm nearly dying here." 

Jongin's face was a mixture of surprise and painful want. He licked over his lips before reaching forward to pull Kyungsoo up and kiss him aggressively. He felt like a mad man in that moment. Blind to everything else that had happened that day, forgetting about all the concerns they had regarding their upcoming show. He poured all of his feelings into the kiss.

Kyungsoo was equally eager, opening his lips for Jongin's wet tongue circling his and sucking on his lips.   
Then Jongin began circling Kyungsoo's entrance with his cock, making them moan in unison.   
Kyungsoo was nearly going mad with it. Everytime he thought Jongin would finally slide into him, his hand slipped and made Kyungsoo groan with frustration.

It came to a point where he grabbed Jongin's hair and nearly snarled against his lips:"Nini do you want to kill me?"   
His voice was deep and filled with lust and it rang through Jongin's whole body. 

"You are just so cute when you are mad. I can't help it. Maybe you should beg."

He waited a second, his eyes never leaving Kyungsoo's, breath hot and fast against Kyungsoo's lips.  
Usually Kyungsoo wouldn't comply this fast, but he was desperate and his insides ached.

He kissed Jongin again, pouring all the neediness out of him and when their lips parted with a wet dirty plop, he whispered against Jongin's lips: "Please make love to me, Nini." 

Jongin responded with a moan against his lips and adjusted himself with one hand, while holding Kyungsoo with his other arm.

"So hot", Jongin hissed as he slid into Kyungsoo's hole. They both closed their eyes, the feeling of being finally connected overwhelming them.

Kyungsoo had thought he would feel pain or have any other discomfort, but he was so turned on and Jongin was so gentle, kissing him slowly, sensually, letting their bodys glide into each other like the most natural thing in the world. 

"Feels so good", Kyungsoo whispered against plush lips and tightened his grip around Jongin's shoulders, pulling him down onto him.

Slowly Jongin started to move, searching Kyungsoo's features for any discomfort.  
Kyungsoo felt like drowning in pleasure, everytime Jongin rolled his hips against his there was a wave of delicious pleasure sizzling through his body, and each time it was more intense.  
He needed this. Yes, he had been tired and hungry and angry, but the worst part of today had been that he had missed Jongin beyond his imagination. His heart had ached in his chest as if someone was squeezing it with their hand, making him breathless and that had led to him losing his temper much faster than usually. 

Slowly he opened his eyes, gaze unfocused, but he could make out Jongin's expression.  
There was sweat beading on his whole face, his lips parted and deliciously red from kissing.  
He was watching Kyungsoo attentively, soaking in the way he was moaning for him.

When their gaze met, both curved their bodys a bit more, meeting faster and faster, moaning louder and louder in unison. Their lips met again, the electrocuted air pulling them against each other. 

Kyungsoo could feel the orgasm pooling in his lower abdomen when Jongin started rubbing his sweet spot and his voice was stripped raw by his loud moans. 

Jongin realized how close he was and suddenly stopped his hips from moving.

"Wha-", Kyungsoo wanted to protest, but Jongin circled his hips and rubbed again over that same place but this time he reached even deeper and wider, making Kyungsoo lose his mind.

His thrusts became slow and controlled, seemingly ripping Kyungsoo apart from all the pleasure. He fisted the sheets beneath him and pressed his lips together to stifle his moans.

Jongin shifted a bit closer and lifted Kyungsoo's hips by putting both hands under Kyungsoo's ass cheeks.   
Then he licked over his lips, panting heavily himself and said: "Come for me, baby."

And as if his body was reacting by command, Kyungsoo felt his orgasm wash over him like a big wave.   
"Oooooh so good, so good", he nearly screamed and had to gulp hard to be able to breathe again, his oragsm so intense he blacked out for a moment, his cum spurting over his stomach and chest. 

And Jongin followed right after with the brutal clench around his cock as he watched Kyungsoo come and heard his loud moaning.   
Tired he collapsed over Kyungsoo, breathing hot clouds into his neck.

When Kyungsoo was able to focus again he lifted one heavy arm and embraced Jongin while kissing the crown of his head. He had never believed in perfect bliss.  
But when Jongin leaned in closer and whispered "So beautiful", against Kyungsoo's lips and they shared a long, lingering kiss, he knew that there was much more joy in life than he had ever imagined.


	6. Chapter 6

They showered together, falling again and again into each other's arms. There was a weird fear in them, as if something parting them now would part them forever. 

"Meet me here at night", Kyungsoo whispered into Jongin's wet skin and after sharing one last kiss, both went in opposite directions. 

"Where have you been?", Junmyeon asked Jongin when he returned into the practice room. 

"We still have to go through three songs, I can't find Kyungsoo and Minseok had to go to the infirmary to get his ankle checked. Why are you guys doing this to me?"

"I showered", Jongin answered after being baffled by the question for a second, as if that wasn't something that could be asked. Junmyeon looked as if he wanted to murder him with his eyes.

"What happened to Minseok?", he tried to turn the attention away from himself and of course he was worried about his friend.   
He loved Minseok's steadfastness; how he seemed to have no weakness at all and he had a heart of gold, big enough to touch every soul it came across.

"He twisted his ankle. And if that is not bad enough, we have two days left until the show and you go shower in the middle of the day! You guys want to murder me!", Junmyeon shouted. 

Jongin threw an arm over his shoulders and said: " Come on, hyung. Everything will go well. I promise you. We still have two days left. Don't worry too much."

"I know. It's only … I'm worried about Minseok. I hope he recovers quickly", Junmyeon answered and for a split second he looked like the saddest human on earth.

Jongin squeezed his shoulder and told him: "Don't worry hyung. Let's practice and everything will be fine."  
They joined the others, meeting up with their motions just in time, as if they had started to dance with them from the beginning and Junmyeon smiled at the end, obviously at ease again.

On the day of their new comeback all of the members were excited and there was a lot of commotion in their dorm. They felt like they were struck by lightning. Jongin could feel his heart racing. It had actually been a long time ago that he had been as nervous as he was on that day. 

In his head he went through all of his steps, while simultaneously trying to sit still to get his makeup done.

Through the mirror in front of him he could see Kyungsoo's head but his boyfriend didn't seem to notice him at all. Jongin had abserved that about Kyungsoo long ago. When he was focussing on work Kyungsoo was very much occupied with himself. He did a lot of self-reflection and he was practicing alone all day, his beautiful, soothing voice filling their backstage room like billows of fresh air.

The stylist had finished his makeup and was starting with his hair when Jongdae came into the dressing room with a big cake in his hand. 

"Oh is it someone's birthday?", Baekhyun asked jokingly. 

Chanyeol stood up from his seat, rolling his eyes, before everyone started to sing happy birthday for him. 

He looked like he wasn't surprised but he was happy nonetheless, looking childlike with the big grin on his lips before blowing out his candles.

Jongin could not believe he had forgotten his friend's birthday. That had never happened to him and he hated himself for that. When he stood up to give Chanyeol a big hug, there was so much warmth radiating through him.   
For a second their eyes met, Chanyeol flashing a big smile at him and Jongin thought: "I hope I can protect this smile of yours, Hyung."   
"Jongin, what's wrong? Is everything all right?", Jongdae asked, slipping between him and Chanyeol.  
"Nothing", Jongin replied and his voice cracked a bit. He didn't realize that a tear had left his eyes. Carefully he wiped at it and smiled. "I'm just happy for Chanyeol. You worked hard this year, Hyung. As always." 

Chanyeol seemed a bit shy about the compliment and murmured a "Thank you" before being pulled into a big hug by Junmyeon.   
The other members followed, each giving their blessings and then they cutted the cake.   
There wasn't much time after that, so it was only Chanyeol who shoved a big piece of cake into his mouth before the staff put on his makeup.

After getting his hair done he put on his outfit. With each article of clothing his confidence grew. Looking down at his exposed chest, shirt unbuttoned wide, something in his mind shifted. There was a glint in his eyes that wasn't there before.   
With a last approving look in the mirror and some swift tugs by the stylist he was ready to go.

"Ten minutes left!", their manager shouted. He had his phone in hand frantically tapping on the display.  
Jongin's eyes were searching.   
Sehun was still getting his makeup done. Chanyeol next to him was on his phone already ready. Baekhyun had been next to him, still getting dressed.  
On the other side of the room Yixing and Jongdae were watching something on Yixing's phone.   
Xiumin was next to them but he was on his own phone and seemed deep in thoughts.   
Kyungsoo and Junmyeon had left the room.

"Stay cool", he reminded himself. No time to worry or miss someone.   
This was insane. He couldn't even stand a second without Kyungsoo, his heart hurting a tiny bit before he took a deep breath.

"Five minutes left", the manager announced. 

Baekhyun was pulling up the zipper of his pants and shouted: "Ready! Let's go!"

Jongin was right next to the door and after one last look around if someone was still naked he opened the door for all of them to leave.

"Even here you can hear the fans scream", Jongdae said in wonder.  
"Do you expect anything less from our Eris?", Baekhyun replied with a soft smile on his face.

They walked to the end of the corridor where Junmyeon and Kyungsoo already waited. Jongin was sad he had been the last in line, he couldn't even see Kyungsoo from there with all the other members in front of him.

"Hey Jongin, what's wrong?", Jongdae asked him, when he turned around.

Had his feelings always been written on his face for others to see? He doubted that but believed in Jongdaes' empathic nature. 

"I'm just nervous, Hyung. What if I do something wrong?"

"You practiced like crazy. It will be perfect, don't worry", Jondae replied with a soft squeeze on his shoulder and the loveliest smile in the world.  
And although Jongin only said that to disguise his true feelings, he felt better already.

"One minute left", Junmyeon said. All of them grew very quiet. Jongin took deep breaths. "Think like Kai", he told himself.  
"How would Kai look? How would he act?" He closed his eyes and pulled down his hat a bit more. And suddenly he was back in the right mindset again.

The moderator announced them and then one after the other stepped out onto the stage.  
The fans were shouting "E-X-O" and their voices grew louder and louder with each member walking out to the stage. 

Then the light turned off. For a second it was really quiet. The members all walked to their positions.  
Jongae was at his left and Chanyeol was on his right. He couldn't see them but he knew they were there. 

"3...2…1", he counted down in his head and then the music started.

His heart was pounding in his ears all the time but the ecstasy gave him the energy to pull through the whole performance. He imagined he was flirting with the whole audience, his movements were fluid like water between the others and he couldn't suppress his smile. Every few seconds it was back on his face.

At the end he made a big pirouette and pulled his hat off in a fluid motion, his carefully blown out hair flying up and landing beautifully tousled back on his scalp.   
In the corner of his eye he saw his glistening chest and he winked his eye at the audience. Everyone was growing crazy with their screams and a feeling of bliss was flooding his body.

After that first song they performed, all of them felt relieved. The nervousness was shaken off and they were able to do the interview with ease and they had a lot of fun. Two hours passed and they felt as happy as ever to spend time with their fans.   
The interview was nearly over and the last song was approaching until suddenly there was a question Jongin did not expect.  
There is something an idol has to always keep in the back of his mind. It is important to be a role model, to be clean and pure and without even the slightest trace of a mistake in their character.

They had to control their composure and keep a straight face. But when Jongin heard the interviewer's next question his face fell, the smile he had on his face being wiped out instantly and his heart sunk in his chest.

The noises around him seemed to go far away, a ringing in his ears clouding them over. The ground under his feet blurred and he felt truly sick for a second.

There was something pulling him out of that state though. He felt a hand on his left shoulder. His breathing slowed down again and he turned his head looking at Sehun.

"...Yes, next month", Kyungsoo was saying at that moment, his voice flooding the stadium, filling the air and Jongin felt like his heart exploded in his chest.

Jongin was looking at Sehun, desperately trying to stay focussed.  
"Don't cry", he told himself. "You can never cry. Not here. Not in front of everyone."

Sehun's eyebrows scrunched and his hand squeezed Jongin's shoulder and that calmed Jongin down a bit, though he still couldn't concentrate. 

He had luck though. They still had to perform the last song and the lights went out shortly after that. He stood up, just like the others and went backstage to change.

His blood was rushing through his body. Suddenly there were so many hands on him, redoing his makeup, helping him out of his clothes and into new ones, redoing his hair.

All of them were nervous and hectic, but nothing and no one compared to the turmoil burning inside Jongin's veins. He wanted to scream and shout and cry like a little child. 

He couldn't understand how Kyungsoo could do that to him. Not now. Not when they were happy and in love and they had just released a new album after such a long time.

He couldn't believe that Kyungsoo would be joining the army to do his military service.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard to write. Smile on my face always makes me very sad.  
> Thank you for reading! ♡

Their last song was "Smile on my face". It was a sad song and Kyungsoo found it strangely fitting to his emotional state. He had seen Jogin tremble backstage, head dropped low and he looked like crying. Like a puppet on cut strings he stood there, not meeting anyones eyes.

Kyungsoo had tried to reach him and talk even just for half a second. but it had been impossible. They only had ten minutes to get ready and as they took their places on the stage to perform they were too far apart to whisper to each other. 

Kyungsoo felt like crying himself, although it had been his idea to keep it a secret from everyone except Junmyeon, he felt like he had made the biggest mistake of his life. A wave of self hatred hit him as the music started to fill the air and the lights went on. The slow rhythm sizzled through his body and he threw one last look at Jongin, before he started singing. 

He was glad that he only had to sing the first few lines alone, his voice trembling weakly with emotion. Another solo part and he was sure he would have broken down crying, as his chest was filled with so much sorrow. It was nearly overflowing.

When Jongin sang his part he kept his eyes shut, hand firmly pressed to his chest. He seemed steady, in a far better condition than Kyungsoo and he had stopped trembling.  
Only when he had to sing the line: "That's when I knew that was the end of us, that's how you got far away", he didn't hold his note long enough at the end.  
Junmyeon shot him a look, meeting Kyungsoo's eyes across the stage, before he started singing himself. 

They would have to talk later. Junmyeon knew about them. He had sensed it and Kyungsoo felt he couldn't deny their relationship. They were in need of an ally if they wanted to keep this a secret.  
When they had finished singing the lights were shut down again, leaving them in complete darkness. Kyungsoo knew he had to take this chance to get away. 

Walking directly to Jongin, who had reached the edge of the stage before him, he took him by the hand, pressing past Baekhyun and Minseok, he led them to a room in the opposite direction of their dressing room.

For a second he focussed only on the feeling of Jongin's warm hand in his, savoring the warmth of his skin, the soft pressure and the long sleeve of his pullover reaching even Kyungsoo's fingers, Jongin himself had not said anything, he didn't even seem to notice what Kyungsoo was doing. His eyes were still lost, gaze dropped down on the ground.

When they reached the room Kyungsoo had noticed as they went inside the venue, he led them in and shut the door behind them.

Only then Jongin looked up, gaze strong and as if set on fire but at the same time broken with the edges of his eyes crinkled in pain. And Kyungsoo could have sobbed at that sight of him, his heart tearing in two halves in his chest.  
"What have I done?", he whispered. And Jongin's expression filled with even more pain and sorrow, his gaze was swimming now. He looked away again, then with a very thin but steady voice he asked:

"Kyungsoo, what do you think is worse, waking up from a bad dream but having a good day or having a good dream but waking up to a bad day?"

Kyungsoo couldn't answer. He knew what Jongin wanted to tell him with his words even without him saying it directly. It was the most important part of their relationship that they understood each other perfectly.

"Because I want to understand what is happening right now. Is this all real or am I just dreaming? If this is just a bad dream then I didn't lose anything. I just have to live through this. But if this is really happening then I just woke up from the best dream I ever had and knowing that this is possible and suddenly not having it anymore is even worse."

"I…", Kyungsoo started, but he couldn't think. His blood was rushing through his ears, his chest hurt unimaginably and he felt like the corners of his mouth were trying to reach down and touch the ground underneath his trembling feet.

"Please…", he said and didn't know what he was pleading for. He despretaly needed to reach for Jongin but he was afraid to touch him, he didn't want to make it worse.

"I was hurt so many times in my life but this feels entirely different", Jongin said, more to himself than to Kyungsoo, voice stripped off all his usual warmth. He was looking at his trembling hands as if they were not his own and Kyungsoo started to reach out for him, shaken by the shiver that was rolling down his spine. 

Jongin saw his motion in the corner of his eye. He was hesitant and hurt. He was baffled and scared and disappointed.  
"I…I said... I love you. I told you just a few days ago! I don't understand this. I said I love you and you said you loved me too. Why would you leave me then? How could you just decide to leave me alone?"

He felt hot tears fall down his cheeks, a shaky breath left his body and he stumbled forward towards Kyungsoo. Slowly his fingers curled around his raised hand. 

"Don't leave me", he whispered. "How am I to live without you?" A sharp sob escaped him.  
Kyungsoo's free hand shot up and he cupped Jongin's face.

"I will never leave you. We will always be together", Kyungsoo assured him, his deep voice buzzing through Jongin.

"You're lying again", Jongin whispered and his expression turned from sad to desperate. 

Kyungsoo shook his head violently. "Never!", he assured Jongin. "I would never lie. Yes it was a mistake...", he stopped, his face shaken by tears. "I'm the worst for keeping it a secret. I should have told you! But I never lied. I did not lie when I said I love you. I love you very much in fact and that's why I couldn't tell you."

Jongin pressed their foreheads together, again they had forgotten where they were.  
"You talk but I … I don't understand", Jongin sobbed.

"My love", Kyungsoo whispered. "I will be away for a few months, because I have to do my military service now to be back in time for some movie shootings. But these are only a few months and I will be back. You will see, time will fly by so fast."  
He didn't know if he was reassuring himself or Jongin, but it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that Jongin's tears would stop. 

"No! Why?", Jongin whined, voice hoarse from crying. Their eyes were both closed  
"I…", Kyungsoo started again, but then he had a better idea. 

He thought maybe he could reassure Jongin with his actions, if his words were not able to.  
He pulled his other hand from between Jongin's hands and cupped his face. 

Only then they looked at each other, faces wet and hot from crying.  
Kyungsoo made a little desperate noise, as he brushed their noses against each other.  
And then their lips met messily and urgent. At first Jongin seemed startled, wincing weakly into their kiss, but then his fingers curled into Kyungsoo sweater and he was pulling him against his face. 

Kyungsoo poured all his sadness into the kiss. I'm sorry, he tried to say with the first touch of their lips.  
Forgive me, with another. Their kisses were breathless, their tongues colliding without finesse, just two human beings in need of one another, breathing each other in. It was raw and urgent and a little rough but they eventually stopped crying.  
Kyungsoo was relieved. If Jongin was at his side, the next months wouldn't be as bad as expected. 

Then suddenly Jongin pushed Kyungsoo away. He was breathing heavily and his eyes were blown wide as if he remembered what had happened and the emotions hit him all over again. 

His lips curled down, the sorrow flooding his gaze unmistakable and he left the room wordless, leaving Kyungsoo behind.  
Kyungsoo held his breath as if he could stop the time like that, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.


End file.
